Mentalization (Reflective Function)

Holding mind-in-mind (yours and others’) especially when emotions run hot.

Description

From Peter Fonagy’s work, and it names something parts work relies on without always saying so: the capacity to treat minds — yours and other people’s — as having beliefs, feelings, and incomplete information behind the behaviour. It is what lets you ask “what is this part protecting?” instead of arriving at a verdict.

The capacity is the first thing to go when things get hot, which is why it belongs in this glossary. Under enough activation, other people stop having reasons and start simply being obstacles, and your own parts stop having fears and start being facts about you. Noticing that you have lost it is most of getting it back.

It applies inward as much as outward. A part is a perspective with a history, not a symptom, and holding that distinction is roughly the difference between working with a part and managing one.

What Mentalization (Reflective Function) is NOT:

Not mind-reading — the whole point is holding your guess as a guess. Not rumination either, which is thinking about states rather than relating to them, and can go on for hours without producing any.

Examples:

Asking a firefighter what disaster it is expecting, and taking the answer seriously.
Wondering what your partner’s manager is guarding, before responding to what it said.
Noticing your own parts and saying them out loud while you still can.

see also:

Blending & Unblending; Self-energy; Trailheads; Compassion; Negotiation